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Sunday, February 22, 2015

Being Vulnerable

I've been freaking out.

My last blog I wrote about courage.

Apparently I had an epiphany and an unbelievable bout of 'said courage' and decided to share the most painful time of my life with the entire world.

Good call, Al. 

I decided, after speaking with my editor, to get all sorts of vulnerable in the spirit of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (Feb 23-28th), and you know, shed a little light on the topic from someone who's been there…

Well, in order to do that, I had to go back to a crazy dark place that I try not to venture to anymore. I had to go back in time and really "feel it" again.

Well, that sucked.

I'm not sure if I can accurately describe the amount of hurt that goes on within a person that is struggling with this kind of disease. It's not something I enjoy reminiscing about because, like I said before, it sucked.

Anyway, this courage I've felt has definitely been wavering. I'm not sure that if it's because I had to "go there" again, and feeling that way can definitely wear on a person. But as soon as I pushed "send" to submit the article I panicked.

What if people hate it?

What if they think I'm whining?

What if someone thinks I'm WRONG?

What if they call me a liar?

What if it goes over terribly?

What if it helps someone take a step toward recovery?

And there it was… among all of the many "what ifs" -the only "what if" that truly mattered to me… the "what if I help someone" and then my worries disappeared…

Maybe someone will read it and the next day or the next week or the next month they ask for help. Maybe someone will read it and they'll realize that they aren't as alone as they thought. Maybe someone will read it and they'll share it with their friend or their sister or their daughter.

And maybe… just maybe…

Someone will come out ahead because they found their courage from knowing someone else has been there before them and beaten it.

So, was it worth it for me to get all vulnerable and share my most personal and private struggle?

If one person benefits in any way, shape or form from reading my story… then yes… you bet your ass it was worth it.

Love True,
Allison

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