Being Vulnerable

I've been freaking out.

My last blog I wrote about courage.

Apparently I had an epiphany and an unbelievable bout of 'said courage' and decided to share the most painful time of my life with the entire world.

Good call, Al. 

I decided, after speaking with my editor, to get all sorts of vulnerable in the spirit of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (Feb 23-28th), and you know, shed a little light on the topic from someone who's been there…

Well, in order to do that, I had to go back to a crazy dark place that I try not to venture to anymore. I had to go back in time and really "feel it" again.

Well, that sucked.

I'm not sure if I can accurately describe the amount of hurt that goes on within a person that is struggling with this kind of disease. It's not something I enjoy reminiscing about because, like I said before, it sucked.

Anyway, this courage I've felt has definitely been wavering. I'm not sure that if it's because I had to "go there" again, and feeling that way can definitely wear on a person. But as soon as I pushed "send" to submit the article I panicked.

What if people hate it?

What if they think I'm whining?

What if someone thinks I'm WRONG?

What if they call me a liar?

What if it goes over terribly?

What if it helps someone take a step toward recovery?

And there it was… among all of the many "what ifs" -the only "what if" that truly mattered to me… the "what if I help someone" and then my worries disappeared…

Maybe someone will read it and the next day or the next week or the next month they ask for help. Maybe someone will read it and they'll realize that they aren't as alone as they thought. Maybe someone will read it and they'll share it with their friend or their sister or their daughter.

And maybe… just maybe…

Someone will come out ahead because they found their courage from knowing someone else has been there before them and beaten it.

So, was it worth it for me to get all vulnerable and share my most personal and private struggle?

If one person benefits in any way, shape or form from reading my story… then yes… you bet your ass it was worth it.

Love True,
Allison

Courage to Share

I'm not sure where this dose of insane courage has come from, but I kind of think I like it. You see, I have found myself involved in an organization that challenges me and pushes me and inspires me. These women, who have welcomed me whole-heartedly in to their community of badasses, have transformed me. The sense of empowerment I have felt since joining this group is overwhelming. I feel more like myself than I have in years. These ladies are rock stars… and I can't even begin to explain how elated my heart is to be a tiny part of this magnificent revolution.

We're changing "Girl Culture" together… and this might just be exactly what I was meant to do with my life.

I AM THAT GIRL is a non-profit organization aimed at helping women of all ages to become the best version of themselves. We want to empower, inspire and help women to express, love and BE who they are. We want to encourage collaboration among women, instead of competition. And this, my friends, is exactly what the world needs.

Two months ago, I started my own chapter of IATG. And even though I don't have 60 members in my chapter, we've had some beautiful, heartfelt conversations about topics that matter to us. We have given each other advice, we have lifted each other up… and I can't wait to do it again. And again. And again.

Now, I'm spearheading the development of another chapter of IATG. This one will be a collegiate chapter. LORD, HOW I NEEDED THIS WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE!!!!! My hope is that in starting a collegiate chapter, we can reach those women who may be just like I was in college, unsure of themselves, lacking confidence and completely unaware of the greatness they posses! My heart is bursting at the seams just thinking about all the lives we could change!

An excerpt from one of my blog entries for I AM THAT GIRL

I will most definitely be updating y'all on the process of the collegiate chapter, I'm sure. And I will definitely be providing the link to the blog that we will be starting. I'm struggling to find the words to describe how I'm feeling right now. The prospect of impacting these young women has me terrified and yet completely calm. I know this is something I've been called to do. I've been writing for the IATG blog for 6 months and my articles have grown increasingly more personal. Certain ones have even solicited responses, "shares" and "likes" through various channels on the internet. I never could have imagined being vulnerable could feel so liberating. For example, as National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is approaching at the end of February, I found myself ASKING my editor if I could do a piece specifically for NEDA week. WHAAAAA??? Who is this girl wanting to share intimate details of the most painful time of her life??  I barely know the person behind all of this confidence and willingness to share.

A couple of years ago, my personal diary was full of fears and worries and doubts. Now, my public diary (you're reading it) is full of goals and hopes and all of my passions wrapped up in excitement and love. So yes, I'm going to share that story with the world. I'm going to write my heart out and hope that someone, some girl just like me, might realize there is a light at the end of that very dark tunnel. So she can know that she is not alone. And so that she can realize that the magnitude of her life can not be determined by a disease, but only by herself and by her heart. People may think I'm crazy for being willing to share such a personal experience, but to be honest, it was the personal stories that helped me through the darkness. I AM THAT GIRL is just helping me pay it forward.

Love True,
Allison

Find Your Inner Fire

**This post was originally written for I AM THAT GIRL and was posted on their website on January 27th. I've received a lot of love… and wanted to share it here as well! Hope you all like it!! 

The concept of fire is pretty prevalent in my life right now. You see, I am an assistant coach for a collegiate gymnastics team, whose inspirational motto this season is “Light the Fire.” I love this concept: the idea that even the loftiest of goals can be achieved if only you “light the fire” within your heart.

It’s amazing, really. Think of something you want, something you aspire to be, something you feel called to accomplish. Do you have it? Now think of the possibilities that come with catching that dream. Looks pretty good, doesn’t it?!

Dreaming is so good for our souls! It gives us a reason to look up when life may be causing us to hang our heads. Don’t let life control your dreams. Only YOU have control over that!

You might wonder how to make your dream a reality. Sometimes goals and ambitions seem so far off that we sit around wondering, hoping and praying for a sign that tells us what to do to take that first step. Fear can get in the way of a dream. It can paralyze us and keep our lives at a standstill because the unknown can be more frightening than staying exactly where we are.

Image Credit: IATG

But life, my dear, is what YOU decide to make it. Our circumstances only tell half of the story. You have the power to determine the rest. Don’t let your fear consume you. If you have a dream, go after it. No giant leaps are needed (unless leaping is in your job description like my gymnasts). Take that one small step forward. You can do it. One step in the right direction can make a world of difference in your heart and mind. Confidence is key, though it is not easily attained.

Be your own cheerleader. Write down your goals, or share them with a friend. Don’t give yourself the opportunity to make excuses, because you are stronger than that. Be rational with your goal setting, and be aggressive in taking those steps forward. Remember, it’s just one step at a time.

All it takes is a tiny spark to create a raging fire. Don’t be afraid to light the match. You determine your own destiny. Life is all about taking chances and believing in yourself, because if you don’t believe in yourself, who will?

Go forward BeautyFULL girl, light that inner fire and let it burn.

www.iamthatgirl.com

Love True,

Allison

Something in the Water

Disclaimer: This blog was written over the course of two very difficult weeks. It's amazing what a little love and some hope can do. :)

People in my life are hurting. Some are grieving loved ones, some are in physical pain, others are dealing with an emotional setback… whatever the reason, I’ve found myself in a sea of hurt. While none of the events of the past few weeks have affected me directly, people I love are seemingly drowning in their various holes of despair.

My reaction, “Be the wall, Allison. They need you to lean on. Stop shaking, take a breath and hold that little girl who just lost her father. Comfort that athlete who just suffered a season ending injury. Be there for your friend who had to bury her pet. Proof read the eulogy of your friend’s husband. Then go to work, smile all day and get to the car before you lose it. You can do it, because you have to.”

And I do have to. As humans, we are caretakers. It is in our DNA to want to help others, and my DNA is hard wired to make sure everyone is okay. Even if that means I am not. I’m struggling these days to find a balance between taking care of myself and making sure those people in my life who are going through incredible tragedies are all right.

Sitting at my desk I have to fight the urge to check my text messages, in between tasks. I am frequently loosing track of the task at hand and finding myself gazing in to space wondering how each one of these injured souls is doing.

My heart hurts for them. It truly does. I wish, with everything in me, that I could take their pain away, give them back their loved ones, and call it a day. Alas, I know that giving life is only in my job description when I decide to become a mother.

The circle of life is a terrifyingly beautiful concept. We live and we die, and its up to us to decide how we spend our time on this Earth. For me, I want to make sure that my loved ones know that I love them.

Taking life day to day is only something a person can do for so long. It’s part of healing…putting one foot in front of the other. We all do it, whether we realize it or not. We get up each day, regardless of our own personal struggles, and we just live. To quote the inspirational Robin Roberts, “Everybody’s got something,” and it is our job as a society to make sure that we are doing our part to recognize that.

Road rage at a speeding car? That mother may have just gotten the worst phone call of her life. Irritated by an outburst on social media? That man may have just lost his job. Your friend won’t text you back? They may be spending some of their last days with a loved one anticipating the inevitable. Everybody’s got something, and it’s not easy to understand why people act, say or do the things they do.

Me? I try to look to my faith. I try to pray about life’s struggles before they get out of hand. I try to remember that the person who treated me poorly may be having a worse day than I am. And that helps. Through all of the struggles of my loved ones lately, it’s been easy for me to put things in perspective, sometimes that is hard to do when things are going so well.

A song I have been LOVING lately is Carrie Underwood’s, “Something in the Water.” It is a great reminder that when you give everything up to Him, and have “just a little faith, it’ll all get better.” Relinquishing control is not something I’m good at… so this, in itself is a daily challenge for me. However, it’s easier with words like this…

“Got joy in my heart, angels on my side.

Thinking about it I saw the light

Gonna look ahead, no turning back,

Live everyday give it all that I have

Trust in someone bigger than me

Ever since the day that I believed

I am changed, I am stronger…”

"Something in the Water" - Carrie Underwood

So I’m going to keep getting up each day putting one foot in front of the other, giving those around me as much support as I can muster, and things WILL get better for them, as long as we can have a little faith. 

Love True,
Allison

Dress to Impress YOU!

This article was originally posted on I AM THAT GIRL's website! 

 Recently, one of my young gymnasts informed me that she had BIG plans for after practice. In fact, she really didn't want to be at practice. She had already straightened her hair, applied her make up, and set out her outfit for the evening.

I very jokingly asked, “Let me guess: high-waisted shorts and a crop top?” I was half right. She was wearing a crop top with leggings and a very cute flannel shirt to be tied around her waist.

That's very IN right now.

I giggled and wondered which boys were going to be there, because, obviously she was excited to be all dolled up for the evening. She filled me in on the new friends she had made and her excitement to begin high school in a few weeks. And as she began to complain again, about getting her hair all sweaty and developing a “ponytail bump,” I could feel a slightly teachable moment approaching. So, in all of my Yoda-like wisdom I said, “You know, those boys are going to like you whether your hair is up or down. You shouldn't be afraid to sweat at practice because if they don't like you with your hair in a ponytail, they aren't going to like you with your hair down either. And those, my dear, are the boys who are absolutely NOT WORTH IT.”

She laughed a sort of, “I know you're right but I still want to look cute,” chuckle, and then proceeded to tell me she wasn't dressing to impress the boys. She was dressing to impress the other girls.

My jaw dropped.

The raw honesty completely set me back. She was absolutely right, and I do it too. I can remember trying on 8 million different outfits for various events in college. At one point, I had four roommates and four opinions for every evening out. 75% of the time, I wasn't even wearing my own clothes because someone else in my house had something more fashionable to offer. And as I've never been overly aggressive when it comes to hitting on guys, I still found myself obsessing over my wardrobe, my hair and my make up. Why? Because it was really the girls I was trying to impress.

Perhaps, as I’ve gotten older, I've forgotten these things. But ladies, we CANNOT focus on impressing everyone else. We CANNOT spend our precious time stressing out about what clothes we are going to wear, if our hair is perfectly straight, or if our handbag is going to accent our outfit well enough. Our minds are FAR too important to be wasted on wondering if everyone else is satisfied with our appearance. 

Photo Courtesy of iamthatgirl.com

Instead, we should get dressed in the morning and be confident in our appearance, even if it is a t-shirt and yoga pants (my gymnastics coaching wardrobe of choice). Instead of spending an hour in front of the mirror making sure our hair and make up are perfect, we should take a few minutes to watch the news and get informed with what is going on in the world, call a friend, or meditate.

I'm not saying we should all fly off the handle and stop showering and taking care of ourselves at all. But your best accessory is your attitude whether you’re in a prom dress or medical scrubs! So wear it well and make sure it rubs off on someone else! You are your harshest critic, so cut yourself a little slack and show yourself some love.

I love the song “Try” by Colbie Caillat because it is true and incredibly beautiful. It has an amazing message about not surrendering to the media's portrayal of what is beautiful. Being you and appreciating yourself is the most perfect expression of beauty. So ladies, let's stop trying so hard to be someone else, and just be ourselves. “Don’t you like you? Cause I like you!”

Love True,

Allison

You are not defined by your struggles

"Don't let your struggle become your identity."

This quote was posted on the I AM THAT GIRL Facebook page a few days ago. I clicked the "like" button, as I'm pretty quick to do that on the IATG page, and carried on with my day. That evening, I looked back (because I'm on that page more than any other), and the words hit me a whole lot harder.

You see, I spent a significant portion of my day picking out an outfit, curling my hair and worrying about my make up choices because today was picture day for the gymnastics team.

I found myself double and triple checking the mirror, snap chatting friends to see if various things looked okay, and I was stressed out.

What the hell for?

When I think back on the years (yes years) that I spent where I COULD NOT emotionally control the stress levels reached on days like this I get sad. I'm at a place in my life right now where I can CHOOSE to ignore those doubts, I can CHOOSE to see beauty in myself in a hoodie and messy bun, and I don't need to spend hours looking in the mirror.

"Don't let your struggle become your identity"

It took me a long time to decide that I was worth more than my eating disorder had allowed me to be. It had been my identity. I hid behind it, used it as an excuse and allowed it to consume every bit of myself.

It destroyed everything. It was like an abusive boyfriend. "He" decided when I ate (which was not often), what I ate (which was usually very little), where I went (almost always by myself), how much I worked out (which was usually a ton) and when I went to bed (usually very early).

It took until I could place the eating disorder in the above mentality for me to understand exactly what kind of abusive relationship I had been in. If it had been a friend with an abusive partner controlling her life, I would have been ALL OVER IT- but because it took me about four years to understand the situation, I spent all of those years drowning in overwhelming feelings of self-doubt and confusing depression. And that, my friends, is a very lonely way to live.

It saddens me now, when I hear of individuals struggling with the same condition. It breaks my heart, actually. I don't know if my illness could have been prevented, but I do know that seeing the messages posted by I AM THAT GIRL inspires every day. As healthy as I am today, there is still that little part of my heart that is unhealed by this disease. That little piece of me that needs constant care and consistent reminders that I am more than enough, just the way I am.

"Don't let your struggle become your identity"

I decided, quite a while ago, that I was done letting my disease define my life. And since then, I've felt unchained and liberated. I've found a courage and a trust in myself that I never knew existed, and I pray that with groups like I AM THAT GIRL, every woman who has these struggles will know support. That they will heal quickly and wholly. And that they will spread these encouraging messages with everyone they know!

PLEASE check out I AM THAT GIRL  see what they are doing, how they are inspiring, and check out the articles I've been writing for them :)

Love True,
Allison

Dear Avery

Dear Avery,

Hi Sweetheart! How are you? I've realized that in all of the time I've been writing about you, I've never written TO you, and that just simply needed to change.

I miss you, baby girl. Far more than you could possibly imagine. I am struggling with the knowledge that you've been away for two years now, because it just doesn't seem possible. I feel like it was yesterday that you were telling me about your new iPod. Remember that?

Do you remember sitting with me and Siri at camp that first summer? There was a storm coming in and I think we called your Mom together. Do you remember how many cartwheels you did that week, trying to nail them on the beam?

I do.

It was thousands.

Our Team Picture at Camp 2012

I think I was more exhausted, watching you do it over and over and over, than you were actually doing it. As a matter of fact, I know I was.

Back then, I had no idea what kind of plan God had for us. If I'm being honest, I thought you were one of those kids that I would meet at camp and never see again. Even so, I remember being blown away by how driven you were. Your work ethic blew my mind.

I was fairly certain that you would be one of those little girls I remembered off and on, a faded memory that blurred together with all of the summer camps combined over the years. "Remember that little girl who did a million cartwheels that one summer?" I'd think to myself.

Nope.

That fall I started the GymHawks program. And there you were. You were so scrawny, arms and legs for days… I thought I might break you, on more than one occasion. But you were there, and we started to get to know each other.

You had a big sister, who by the way you talked about her, you loved more than life itself. You had a little brother, who was apparently crazy, (I have a little brother too… so I get it). You had a mom, who obviously rocked at life because she named her kids 3 wicked cool names and I remember being so jealous of how original three of you were.

We talked about everything, remember? We talked about the girls on the Whitewater team. We talked about you joining the swim team. You taught me about clogging… and I wish with everything in my heart that I could have seen you dance just once.

We talked about your family and my family and about how you might have Celiac's Disease. Then we talked about how you did have Celiac's Disease… but you weren't scared at all. Probably because of your unwavering faith in God's plan.

The Warhawks & GymHawks missing you on
October 24, 2014

The year flew by and camp came again. We took a "Team Picture"- and though you weren't yet on our competitive team, you were a part of that family. Your heart, your spirit, we all knew it… you'd be on the team some day. I remember that fall, almost 2 years ago exactly, I was making a list of who I would move up to team that summer. Your name, my dear, was most definitely on that list.

But a few days later, I would look at that list and fall apart. I knew I should take your name off, but my hands were completely incapable of pressing the "delete" button. You were on that team. Done.

Sending my love straight up to Heaven!

The past two years have taught me more than I could ever list on this blog. I think if I sat here and committed to tracking the ways that you have impacted my life, I'd be here until I was sixty. (I'm 28 now, you know…)

For example, when you started GymHawks with me, you were one of about 20 kids. It's been three whole years, and last Wednesday I counted nearly 60 kids in the gym… just on WEDNESDAY! I almost cried because I knew that I couldn't have done it without you; You, and all of the beautiful little ones who remind me of you, every single day.

You've taught me to have faith when it seemed like there was absolutely zero faith left to have. I found it. You've taught me to be brave in speaking about that faith, and to trust that just being me is exactly what He wants… and that is all that really matters.

You've taught me that life is so incredibly precious, and that every single child is a gift… every moment on this Earth is a treasure, and even when life gets hard, there are still going to be moments in every day to appreciate.

"I lift my eyes to the hills…"  because I know that's where
you'll be. 

I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met you, Honey. I just don't know. It scares me to think about it, actually. You have been this incredible light in my life, and the lives of countless others. With each passing day, I think about you. With each passing day, my faith grows. So as the years add up, and the number of days until I see you again gets smaller, I promise to continue in your footsteps. I promise to spend my life being a light for others. Exactly the way you were for me.

I hope you liked our balloons last week. Your teammates miss you terribly, and your big sisters want you to know they love you. We're going to keep on sending them you way, God Girl. So you can look for 14 balloons next year :) And I promise, I'll keep coming to visit every chance I can. I love watching the sun set with you, just in time to see the sky turn pink.

I love you, Sweet Girl.

-Al